Forever is my yesterday lost as I
waste away the time waiting for revolution
to come forth from the shadows of sloth and apathy.

I am disturbed only by the astute fools who attempt
to make my fate their own by taking away
all that I am and trying to make me what they believe I should be.

Bitterness and sorrow pulse through my heart,
pump in and out of my lungs, storm through my brainstem,
and rejoice in the aches and pains within my feet and back.

The departed are no longer my concern.
Memories must be set aside to embrace
what may become of my future.

I know not what to make of this world,
except what I wish it to be in the maniacal insanity
that strikes my fancy on occasion.

Let life stain my ego as I step from the
shadows of nothingness and anonymity
to become the great leader forecast in prophecies of olde.

I see myself as the antichrist
as well as the saviour
of the human race.

I may endure the challenges forthcoming,
but will need the support of
those who do not believe in what I do not believe in.

Let the future mold within my palm as I
stretch to infinity and shrink to oblivion
within my own mind.

Is this delusion or truth?

___________________________

Insight:

Destiny is written in the ambitions of those who grasp for power. My ambitions involve many chaotic concepts that would require much more depth of thought and consideration before seizing that power in my hands and wielding it to upset the perpetual imbalance of the status quo. My mental imbalance counteracts all that I think about while my hands grasp at the frigid air of apathy and bad luck. One of these days, Alice… One of these days, I’ll fly to the moon, bang! zoom! and our lives will never be the same again…

More every day I find my mind sincerely examining the potential of my ambitions. I must explore what prerequisites must be completed in order to further my destiny. I could become many different things, with the flick of a switch in my head, and a dissolution of everything that I am at the moment. I want to make things better, to stand and fight for what I believe and what I know is true. Yet, as I am always alone, finding someone to whom my desires may be lain at their feet is more of a nuisance than a probability.

I want to make changes happen. I want to be the one who stands up and just says “NO!” to those who wish to bring about an epoch of historical reruns of poverty, strife, and prejudice. I want to set my goals and hold true to my chaotic concepts. I want so many things and need so much help that I am at a loss for how I might become, how I could accomplish, and how I may fulfill my own density… I mean destiny!

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… the foolish inebriation of apathy that
rolls like a wave through the societal soul?

I hate the idiocy of the leaders who
… call themselves visionaries by
ignoring the common man and woman and child who
lie in the gutter of economic disaster staring up with
… eyes full of anger and desperation.

The bush must be removed from the forest of government as
… the trees of economic security are being drained by
the demands of evil roots that can only be traced to the bush itself.

Red blood stains this world as
… terror sweeps through the populous.
Economic terrors are far more desolating than
the bombs and imaginary threats posted as
… headlines in a world of poverty and lies.

The fight must be taken to the
… floors of human justice with a court of
the collective slaves who have been impoverished by
the choices made in this country, as
… change is critical.

Let the revolution overtake the infringements that
… have been placed on the freedoms we should all share.
___________________________

Insight:

Written in 2004, these words reflect my frustration with the military industrial complex of the United States and its ever-more eagerness to dominate the Middle East. Certainly the only reason that George W. Bush successfully regained is illegitimate position in the White House was due to his expansion of the war on terror, which was more about seizing the lands containing oil reserves than it was about defending anyone against emerging threats against the United States.

Through the attacks on Afghanistan, Iraq, and the secret insurgencies into Pakistan and Iran, the United States Military has brought more terror to more countries than all nations have ever even considered in aggression toward us. We should not be invading and destroying and killing countless cities and people and children just to seize control of a resource which is dwindling due to greed and political manipulation of alternatives.

zoloft

The blunders of forever haunt my
now
as I dream of the sleepless electricity that
surges through the mind of my self.

Do I care anymore?
With the assistance of medication, my
outlook
has slightly been improved, even though
the world remains a dark place
to think in and live life with-out.

The suicidal tendencies of my
yester
are not as obsessively dominating my
mindset of late.
Certainly I have less to live for than
I did before, but the apathy has
settled into the numb of me.

Whereas I cannot
concern my self interactively with
fellow human beings, I must
maintain this facade of
nearsighted loneliness within the
restraints I have placed upon my self.

Why should anyone care for my
being of wellness, when
I do not feel well enough to care for anyone?

The resolve of intuition is nothingness in the mindless numbness and
lack of inspiration that surrounds my consciousness and clouds my
future.

Let me simply be the
numb psychopathic freak
that I wish I were
as I am the ultimate wannabe
from the far cries of history.
___________________________

Insight:

Written in February 2004, this introspective write contains my doubts and fears from that time as I struggled to come to terms with the diagnosis of Manic Depression, brought about by the child abuse I suffered at the hands and words of my father. Being prescribed an SSI, my mind gradually opened up from the clouds of darkness and morbidity to become the bright, sunny, albeit blunt and sarcastic, person I am today.

This poem was written in transition. Many thoughts and memories and nightmares came to the fore and I resolved to accept them as everyday events that i could deal with. While many may be shocked at times when I speak of things not normally openly discussed, it is my way of dealing with the depression and manic tendencies which still lie clamped to my personality. My opinions are solid, sound, and eye-opening. I do not mean to offend or shock (most of the time) but instead innocently do not realize at times what i am saying can upset or discourage relationships with others.

My ignorance of what is unusual or morbid should not be inferred as a rudeness, even though some may think of my words in that way. If you get to know me, you will find that I am usually an affable person who is focused, dedicated, and strong-willed when a goal has been surmised. I am meticulous with my actions and highly tuned to making everything I do an outstanding event.

This is the reason I have enshrouded my life in solitude and inactivity. I work and live and do not indulge. I enjoy the company of my cats and one or two other personalities in my life. While outgoing and outspoken online, in reality I do not consider myself to have any real friends. I have coworkers, family members, and a few people with whom I once worked and now occasionally encounter through happenstance or direct intent of seeking them out, but I have no one in whom I may confide my deepest ambitions and most riotous jokes. Thus, I blog.

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If you were a bee for your time on the earth
Where would you get your pollen?
For the one you buy a few days in time
Everything works a year.
It is ratings that the voices revive
For I’ve given you you, if you were with an elephant.
To move, Saddam will own home plate
and I have been hitting him in Asia.
Here and there will be leisure travelers and avid readers.
This is a weird way, lowlife, and Abdul-ahead of him it had timing
In a definite record for you…
It had the head of him up in the room and by the air conditioner
Hawk hung Kai in his mouth!
We have a long long shot down the hall of pain-ting
and I didn’t read the invasion
weird

___________________________

Insight:

While playing around with voice recognition and speech-to-text on my PC in 2003, I left my microphone on, with Notepad open. As I listened to music and talked on the phone, these words were interpreted by the text-to-speech program from what my microphone happened to pick up. I have edited out all of the non-words and unusual punctuation, but otherwise, that is how this one came to be…

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I  stand  alone
Flag of Pine Ridge Reservation, South Dakota
in defiance of your
  sentimental patriotism.

I  cast  off  this  facade
that I portray for the convenience of your
  peace of mind.

I withdraw my support from the
  foundations of this apathetic society
which is suiciding slowly.

My vision is no longer obscured by
the disillusioned mindset of
  patriotic fanaticism
in  a  society  built  on  the  blood  of
millions of my ancestors.

I hold none presently living
  accountable  for  the  past,
nor do I place blame on
any living person for how
this country came to be.

Yet I do place blame on all
who  ignore  the  present
  living conditions of the natives
who have been in this land
forever.

Open your eyes,
open your minds;
  seek out the truth
your life is better than
those  of  whom  I  speak.

These savage truths may
make you think again about
  how you see your world
and the history you were told about...

___________________________

Insight:

Being Native American holds a depth of meaning and a commitment to the legacy of the Holocaust of the United States. The past is unchangeable, thus we must look to the present and do what we may to improve the future by embracing compassion and forgiveness. This Holocaust has yet to come to an end.

Most Americans and much of the world at large do not know the suffering which still permeates the Reservation Systems of the United States. Thousands of families, individuals, parents, children, grandparents, and most residents of the Native American Indian Reservations are in dire straights, desperate for food, electricity, heat, clothing, or even a roof over their heads.

When I see on television the commercials seeking help with financial donations for children and families in other countries, I scream out loud “What about US?!” What about the starving, disabled, forgotten, addicted individuals who are in more need here in the USA than anyone overseas could ever imagine? What about the battered victims of drunken husbands and fathers who reside in homes without heat or insulation, hugging themselves in a patchwork jacket that would be considered tattered garbage if donated to the Salvation Army or Goodwill? What about those people who have nothing but dreams and no way to fight the diseases raging in their bodies? Diseases such as diabetes, asthma, or even the common cold?

Image via Wikipedia

Not all reservations are in such dire straights. Some endure and have been well-organized and funded. However, there are more that need donations or funds to get through the winter months, to feed their starving children, to cover the cost of insulin injections or inhalers for their families in need…

These are the realities of the Native American Holocaust which has continued even to this day. The racism and hatred must be replaced with compassion and assistance for those in the most need, for all who have been left to freeze, to burn, to starve, to rot from disease, to die from smoking or alcohol-related illnesses…

These savage truths encompass the cruelty and evil which has never been made right.

What Africans went through during the slavery holocaust, what the Jews went through during WWII, those came to an end and have become demarcation zones for the depth of demonic evil Humanity is capable of. Yet the Slaves fought and were freed and their descendants live on with rights, privileges, freedoms, and citizenship. The Jews live on as a part of the whole melting pot of the world, strong in their beliefs and respectable for their passions, their humor, etc.

Meanwhile Natives of the Continent of North America are still held up to stereotypes from “westerns” when we have become much more than that and strive to become even greater. We demand respect, both morally and physically. We demand the right to pursue our dreams and live our lives without the oppressions of the past.

I ask of all who reads these words to do whatever you can to help. Seek out the truth, find those reservations which have the most need, support them with your words, donations, and actions.

JUST DO SOMETHING to help.

http://www.causes.com/causes/125119-help-the-lakota-people-of-pine-ridge
http://www.causes.com/causes/407465-help-keep-our-first-peoples-warm-and-fed
http://www.causes.com/causes/242469-power-for-crow-creek

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There is a kitty in my head:
she pounces on her daddy’s bed
and she scratches on the door
when she wants foodsies even more…

There is a kitty in my life
she rubs all up against my leg
she’s so pretty in her eyes
and I love her tail too…

There is a kitty in my heart
who loves to stand upon my lap
even though he loves to fart
when I pet his pretty back…

There is a stinky kitty here
he looks at me like he’s so sweet
and I lose myself in tears
as I gasp for a breath…

There is a kitty on the floor
her belly aiming for the sky
she gets up and she sniffs around
and lets out a great big cry…

The stinky kitty runs away
as I shoo him off my lap
and gag and groan while I look for
some air freshening spray…

There are some kitties running round
looking for places they may hide
as I squirt the room with smell
that’s not like someone died…

There is a kitty up for sale,
to be honest he’s quite stale.
You get free clothespins when you buy
and with relief then I can sigh.

There is a kitty who is gone,
how I miss his pretty fur
and his greetings all day long,
how I wish to hear his purr…

There are some kitties sitting round
looking sad as their eyes frown.
They fear they will be the next
to be the one taken down…

I surrender to the morning dewdrops
as they cling to flower petals.
Sleepless I am filled with restlessness:
the moment of my drowsiness has passed.

I surrender to the glaring sunlight
as it shines into my eyes.
I flinch in pain and turn my gaze away
as looking longer is not very wise.

I surrender to the sudden clarity
that comes to me when I refuse to sleep.
More insightful words I seem to write that way.
I don’t know why this always happens to me.

I surrender to the fate that awaits me
because I have no other options now.
Or maybe I’m looking in the wrong place
for I need someone else to tell me how.

I surrender to the painful weariness
as my eyes begin to close themselves.
I’m losing my trains of thought as I am drowsing
and sleep right now would do me very well.

So good morning and good night to you my readers
I’ll write again some time when I awake.
Now off to bed I go, for dreams await me…
In the silence I can hear again my fate.

___________________________

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Is there a way to live today
without the use of money?
A life of…
Free everything and happiness to all,
or…
Am I simply stuck in this cycle
of trying
to ignore
every
painful
call
that
comes
for money?
I can see no way out…
How do I win this game of life
when all other players seem to
be cheating and I must abide
by the
rules?
No solution is forseeable in this now.
To make money, you must have money
and to have money you must spend money, spend…
The greatest evil
in this world has a name.
I have not seen it in a while…
people call it
money.

___________________________

Insight:

As I reminisce on the harsh truths of living paycheck to paycheck amongst a countless crowd of millions… I sit and watch the foul which slammed all of us into the nether-realms of poverty and desperate desolation while the fat cat Wall Street billionaires receive bonus after bonus funded by the Wall Street and corporate bailouts…

This poem is the tale of woe-begotten sorrow and greed with an everlasting subtext of need.

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this way is forsaken from the light
ever saturated with night
a bell rings in the distance and
a voice sings out in pain.
i have been in this place before.

the dried mud shows the footfalls
of my previous travels.
no wonder my feet are caked with
the mud of times gone by long before.
my skull aches for release from
this vision of depressing redundancy.

i can not tell whether i walk alone
or if there is someone here with me.
i open my eyes and see that
i have been dreaming again.
where did i go this time?
to the future or the past?

heavy thoughts weigh on my brain
and i cry.
my eyes fall shut once more an
i lose my self to the dream…
what does it all mean?

___________________________

Insight:

Open to interpretation, I will do nothing to influence your comprehension or vision of this poem. What you make of it is based on your own life experiences and choices. Feel free to leave comments if you wish to tell me your thoughts…

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He rips away from all that once held him to reality.
Insanity drives him to new ecstatic heights of madness
as he finds himself laughing with great hilarity
while he glares at the deceivers with a look of death…
The blade sings through the air releasing some of his stress.

He comes to a moment of clarity, seeking out vengeance.
Find all who would put him down and take away their glee;
destroy the ones they love in this deathly dance
while evermore looking for the one who left him alone…
Crimson is his face as his eyes search constantly.

Alas she has gone from this world and he does not know.
He persists in his blood-lust as he devastates all
who cross his path and feel his wrath as he goes
ever seeking, never stopping, ever slicing…
And then in the darkness he begins to fall.

He remembers the one he loved so much:
her tenderness and kind way with everyone
and then he sees everything in a rush
to his brain as he recalls all who were slain…
He falls on his sword and pierces his lung.

Here lies a great man who was smitten.
He lost his mate and became filled with a rage
and the overwhelming need to get even
with the world that made him react…
The love he once knew turned into a phage.

His breath shudders as he lays on the ground.
Alone and exhausted he feels the warm blood
pooling around his body as his life drips out;
his vision is blurred and he can’t hear a sound…
Breathing his last, he sinks into the mud.

Good night sweet lover; you have done very well.
Your love precedes you into your next life
as you leave this private place of hell
and enter a new world of peace and joy…
You may yet again find the one who was your wife.

___________________________

Insight:

This morbid tragedy arose within my mind August 2003. I cannot recall what inspired such a dark writing. If ever the memories arise from deep in my subconscious, I will update this posting and add the reflections here…

if i wanted your
despicable discriminatory insults i would
 tell you so. keep your
mind locked away from
 the mouth that will
cause you pain.

i feel nothing for those who
 have died in the epic news mongrels of
disaster as nothing of that will
 change nor has changed any part of
how i live my life.

in that vein i bleed out my
 reality of thought by
speaking what i do not feel as i
 feel it not. apathy is
the mentality i am renowned for in
 my own little world that
encompasses all others.

my face may be scarred from
 the hateful feelings and
sneers i have formed upon
 its surface but i will
not give in to sentimentality of
 compassion for those who are
what i hate.

my vanity may
 disillusion you but i will
never forget how much
 pain this world suffers through while
i take full advantage of
 every opportunity i have to move on.

i do not care for those who
 do not open their minds to
the possibilities of what may be true.
the narrow mind will be
 lost in the jumble of realities that
spin around them as they
 hold tight to their mythological religious lies.

thus i rely upon
 the wits i have come to
hone precisely in the
 environments where they are best suited.
i will endure longer than
 any of you as
i am a god.

___________________________

Insight:

In the darkest part of my subconscious which is as yet connected to my conscious mind, I find myself thinking these things. I have spent the majority of my life being condemned and persecuted by individuals who hold themselves to be “holy men” or religious persons. These people continually attack with passive-aggressive language or outright verbal assaults with their faith and their bible and their beliefs against my personhood. I have become cold and the rage inside me is getting ready to snap back and slice their faith apart. However, by stating these emotions and ideas here in print, I have released much of the steam in hopes that some of them would get a clue and just leave me, and my fellow non-believers, alone.

Image via Wikipedia

What the Catholics and Christians of this world do not comprehend is how someone LOSES faith. I lost my faith through the revelation of reason. Martin Luther, founder of the Lutheran Church is well known for stating that

“Reason is the greatest enemy that faith has; it never comes to the aid of spiritual things, but more frequently than not struggles against the divine Word, treating with contempt all that emanates from God.”

Much of what brought about my freedom from religion began as I separated myself from the mass of bowing worshippers and fanatics singing hymnals to observe the blasphemous hatred and slander spewed toward non-Southern Baptist faiths as I stood in the church my grandparents had brought me up in. All of the burnings of the Book of Mormon and the condemnation of the Catholic Church for promoting the worship of and praying to Mary, the Saints, and IDOLS which were graven images. For those who are Catholic, this is what Protestantism is partially based upon: the view that the commandment of not making any graven images of anything in heaven is taken literally. Having statues of Mary or the Saints is equitable to worshiping them as gods themselves in the eyes of many Protestant faiths.

Anyway, as I have been assaulted verbally, emotionally, and - from childhood - mentally, I took it upon myself to research how and why people become religious. If you remove the family influence from birth, much of the stigma associated with faith ceases to exist. The majority of people who are religious are so due to the family they were born or adopted into. It is a continual cycle (in my eyes) of brainwashing from birth.

Conversely, the woman I have married was raised in a home and family that did not begin her upbringing with religion. She has studied the books which are religious tomes and understands the moralities behind it all, but has little or no knowledge of the fervor and passions which religious worshippers find themselves in when inspired by the words of the leader of their particular sect.

For those who find my poem and these insights to be offensive to your person, I do not intend to assault you or anyone directly. I intend to contradict all of the unlimited spewing of religious criticism and oppression I find in my life, on the web, on television, and in the world at large. Know that there are other ways to live your life, including with a complete absence of religion. You may choose your path and I will choose mine.

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Like an unwarranted nightmare,
modern moments make me restless and regretful
of missed chances and different paths that could have
made me a better man,
living my days in a valiant world without concern.

The future of my world and this life I portray
all depends on how I choose to confront my own choices,
as they will decide my path.
I dream of time travel and alternate possibilities of my self.
I wish for fortune to smile upon my petty existence.

I behold my fate and dread a glance of time in all its wonder.
These hands will rule the world if I so choose,
yet they remain scarred and chaffed from hard labor
as I suffer under the whip of commercialism and society.
This must change in me before I may act.

Words are never enough,
unless they be the ones that inspire genius
or eternal hatred – is there a difference?
I must resolve to act on my whims before my time grows cold.
Run away today, throw it all away.

But the bars of my cage I have forged
are strengthened by the emotional responsibilities
that I have chosen to impose upon my self.
I cannot decide as I have tied my own hands over the years
and know not how to untie this knot.

So, how do I live?
Forever withholding my ambitions,
always eager to rage about change,
yet harboring my actions from acting.
Uselessness devours me.

She meowrls at me in the evenings,
Preferring her warm, soft bankey
In the secluded darkness of the bedroom.
Sometimes she stands on the stairwell,
Looking through the bars of the railing,
Hoping I will come see her upstairs.
She rolls and stretches and shows her calico colors
As she wriggles across the bed.
Sarah is a prettykat. My Fuzzy.

She spends all day lying on her back,
Her legs to the sky, she is all black,
Except for the white spot on her throat.
Sensitive and cuddly is the queen,
As she bolts through the house
From window to window,
Herding her imaginary elephants.
“Pet my belly daddy!”
Cleopatra is a babykat. My Goddess.

She seeks me out all night, all day.
Wakes me in the morning:
Scratch-scratching on the bedroom door
Exactly as the sun peeks over the horizon.
But she loves me and cuddles well
And meows to me in conversation
She greets me at the door when I get home
And keeps all my black pants furry white.
Jenny is a lapkat. My Fluffy.

Kitties, kitties, kitties!
I love the wonders of their emotions.
They calm me down when I am raged,
Brighten my day when I am glum,
Bring me cheer when times are hard,
And leave stinky piles of poo for me to scoop.
But I would never give them up – no WAY!
Have you cuddled a kitty today?

___________________________

Insight:

This was written August 2003 before I lost my house to foreclosure. We had just adopted Jenny as our fourth cat and she was shy and painful with her claws, but a wonderful addition to the family.

Eriq was my grey-brown tabby who I trained from birth to speak, lay, sit, roll over, stay, and say human-sounding words. He was an amazing friend who lived through many harsh transitional years with me.

Image by cristinacosta via Flickr

What is it that I deserve now?
I am tired and disgusted with the inabilities that are improbable.
Not one thing I have accomplished seems worthy of my invested time.

How am I to fit in?
The questions I have are countless and eternal.
The answers can never be known as long as the question exists.

Must I forget what I have lost?
I feel as if I should turn away from all that has become of me.
The fate that I see forthcoming is not what I had hoped for.

How do I change the world in the blink of an eye?
There are so many consequences to what I want and need to do.
I fear the unforeseen repercussions of such drastic changes.

What is it that I deserve?
I know what I desire and yet cannot foresee how to attain it.
The ball and chain holding me back goes by the name of money.

___________________________

Insight:

This may seem a simple question and elaboration to the casual reader, but there is much more depth and innuendo behind my words. Sights unseen, meanings unknown, sounds unheard, flavors untasted, odors unscented, and sensations of emotion and feelings unfelt all range through every line of these words. Do you have any response to my questions, taking into account what is proposed beneath each?

These chains of paint flood over my horizon
                                          and I am varnished.
The darkness changes within me to something I can
                                          not control.
My loss of soul is the fate I have made for myself.
Loneliness wraps its arms around me like a song.
Life is a challenge and my skull hurts.

I have broken all the promises I’ve made to myself:
The road traveled has not been what I wanted,
I am not who I hoped that I would be by now.
The release of death would be so pleasurable,
But there is too much left undone, unsaid,
                                          incomplete.

I hunger… no… I lust for the dreams that I had
                                          for myself.
I enjoy all the things that you find evil in this world.
I toss my inhibitions out the door
                                          with your faith.
I am tired of the oppression that you bring to my life…
Leave me alone or I will ruin you.

I gaze in wonder at the clouds as they play
                                          in the light of the sun,
Infinite beauty reflects and refracts the light
                                          into a million colors.
If only that beauty was reflected in the way we treat one another.
The petty prejudices and animosities drive us all to hate.
The misunderstandings and useless urgencies of now
                                          blind our eyes to this.

I care not for solutions to our problems as
                                          I like the way things are.
Tis a pity that we are so paranoid of change
                                          that we grow to discriminate.
Apathy is the path I chose and my internal darkness
                                          raptures in that decision.
I feel the rage and racist moments flit through my mind and I…
Conceal my true being for sake of keeping my place in this society.

So to hell with love and adoration, to hell with world peace!
Everything that is now will matter to no one in the future
As all that we do will die with our memories
                                          as we settle into the grave.
All I can do is wish that my grave is far away in time as I…
Tread the waters of the way this world is now.

___________________________

Insight:

Here is a morbid yet satisfying release of thought. I have spent many years ruminating over what should become of me and how I could fit my jigsaw self into this world of toddler puzzles. I sometimes feel small and ignored yet powerful and confident all at once. This poem is about defining how I view the world and how I should release my inhibitions to fight my way to the top of the heap so that I may soar aloft among the stars and shine down in endless radiance…

Or not…